18th Story : The Failure

I hate myself if I fail at anything at all..
I will blame myself for every little details that contribute to that failure..
and I will never stop blaming myself for it..

I have a very good memory of the bad things that happen to me..
I rarely remember the happy stuffs but I never forget something bad..
So, every failure that happened to me for around the almost the past 15 years,
are mostly in my head..

I still remember how I failed to run away from kindergarten when I was 6..
Even now, I still can't believe how stupid I was back then..
The plan was perfect..
When the teacher is going out through the gate to buy snacks in front of the kindergarten,
I am going to go out and stop a taxi to go home..
the mistake I made was,
As I was walking out of the gate,
I said bye loudly and wave to my teacher..
Habits are scary..

There are loads more failures I made because of my habits..
and also because I don't have the necessary habits..

If I really compare myself to others,
my failures are not that much and not as important..
Others have failures that led them to their death..
Or make their lives a living hell..
Mine is never that big..
Most of my failures are trivial..
but because I can remember most of them,
I view myself as a failure..

17th Story : The Move

I think I am going to move to another house..
I don't know why,
but since I start living alone,
I feel more relaxed and less lonely than usual..
When there are people around me,
but no one really cares I am around or not..
or did not even realize I am there,
I feel more lonely than when I am actually alone..
No one will miss me much if I move anyway..
I am not that essential in the house..

I also have an issue about sharing things..
I have never ever care if anyone use my thing..
or about any expenses..
I'll share everything and pay everything without any care..
but once others start caring and calculating things,
I will start caring as well..
I will start caring about every little thing..
And I hate doing that because
that is very uncomfortable for me..

and then,
comes the money issue..
This is not really anyone's fault..
But still, I have no money and no one really cares even how many times I said it..
I need to find a place less expensive than I have now..
one which can at least make me able to pay my rent and bills,
and I will still have some to spare to go for my travels..
I don't mind not having any money to do anything
but I have to have money to travel..

So, I have to move..
now, the only problem is, where to move in to ??

16th Story : The Praise

To what extend can a person do to get a praise from someone ?
Because I honestly do not have any idea on what else to do to get a praise from the one person that I want to hear it from..

just one praise will do..

- you cooking is great..
- you are very kind..
- you look wonderful..
- you smell nice..
- you are so smart
- you make my day..

Just simple words..
I only wish to hear them once a month if once a week is that hard..

Instead, I have to put up with all this :

- I can cook better than this..
- you look fat, lose some weight..
- your face is full of acne, do something about it..
- you smell like my breath in the morning..
- are you sure you have a head ?
- why am I stuck with you all day ?

I tried my nest to be the best I can be..
but why is the one person I am waiting to praise me,
do nothing but humiliate me, over and over again.. ?

Am I really that bad ?
Am I really that unworthy of a simple praise ?

If I am not supposed to feel like crying after wards,
what am I supposed to feel ?

15th Story : The Habit

I have a very bad habit..
a habit of buying things I don't really need..

here's just a simple list of things I've bought so far with its price..
reasons I bought them
and why I think its a waste of money now..

a home sauna *45euro
~ I believe this is good for the skin and it can help me lose weight
~ I used it less than 10 times in a year bcoz I don't have time to set up the whole thing that took 30 minutes just to be used for 10 minutes..

a harp *240euro
~ I love musical instruments and I know I can find time to play it..
~ Its a good thing harps don't rust if not, mine is already rusted.. playing it was fun but tuning a harp with 39 strings of 5 octaves needs a lot of work !

dresses that do not fit me *250euro+-
~ I'll be slimmer by next month and I'll be able to wear them..
~ I do not wish to humiliate my self esteem any further.. T_T even after a year, they still won't fit

make up sets *100euro
~ I'm a girl, of course I need make up for my every day life..
~ the make up brush, the 70 colours eyeshadow set, the lipstick, the blusher, the concealer, the shimmer glow n the bronzer, has not even been opened..

a masquerade mask *20 euro
~ its sweet, cute, glamourous and I was in venice, where mask are everywhere..
~ when will I ever need to wear a mask ??


and those are just a tiny portion of things I've bought that I am now regretting..
mostly because I am now in a state where I am desperately in need of money
when will I ever stop with this habit of mine..
if I save that money I spent, maybe I can buy a house by now.. =(

14th Story : The Plan

Every girl has at least a plan on what to do in her life..

As for me, I have a plan on what to do with everything in my life..
I planned for things to do in my every days, the day 2 years from now and even the day when I have children which may or may not come..
I even planned for a vacation that is supposed to be spontaneous n unplanned !
and this plan of mine includes :

~what to do,
~how to do it,
~when to do it,
~and whose doing it..

I have to say, it is very tiring to plan everything..
but it is even more tiring to not have anything to plan..

Memories ~

Every person on earth must have celebrate Valentine's day once in their life..
I mean, all of those who know what Valentine's day is..
There's hundreds if not more stories have made and told about the love on Valentine's..
all are full of romance and love..
all are told with great passion and detail..

Of all those stories, here is mine..

On this day, 14th Feb 2010..
I went out with a special someone..
after preparing myself for around 2 hours, changing clothes a couple times,
I manage to look decent enough for the day..

The day started with a movie, Valentine's Day..
We weren't late but since people entered earlier than we do..
We ended up sitting at the 3rd row from the front..
I can still feel the pain now..
But, even though the movie is not a movie I'll ever see again..
It gave us a look into our own relationship..

Then, we went for dinner..
Since Dublin is not really the best place to have a dinner date,
we ended up eating at the place we usually have dinner..
It was nothing special.. but I love the atmosphere..
We didn't talk much but I enjoyed every minute..

The peak came after all that..

Near the restaurant, there was a giant Ferris wheel,
that we managed to overlook for the whole time we were in Dublin..
Curious as we are, we decided to have a look..
We didn't ride the Ferris wheel ( Its freezing cold ! )
but we just sat next to each other looking at the it going round and round..
I realized then that I was very happy..
Just by having someone sitting beside me..
The view was spectacular and all is exciting..
all because I have someone special beside me..

Then, he told me to close my eyes..
I was excited as I was not expecting anything..
then, when he told me to open my eyes, this is what I saw :



~ Isn't this the cutest thing ?

I don't know about anyone else but to me,
the most precious gifts are gifts one made themselves..
more precious than diamonds or other worldly possessions..
I am so happy that I can't stop smiling even now..
I wish in the years to come, we will still be as happy..

13th Story : The Reason

I ask myself :

Why do people keep living when they know its hard ?
Why do people keep living when they know its tiring ?
Why do people keep living when they know its lonely ?
Why do people keep living when they know they'll die ?

Why do people keep wanting when they know they have no hope ?
Why do people keep wanting when they know they'll never be satisfied ?
Why do people keep wanting when they know they don't need it ?
Why do people keep wanting when they know its nothing ?

Why do people keep loving when they know they'll get hurt ?
Why do people keep loving when they know it'll make them cry ?
Why do people keep loving when they know its an illusion ?
Why do people keep loving when they know its hard ?

If only there's one book, or a souce to tell the reasons..
Lifes of so many will be much better..
Because these days, I feel tired of Living, Wanting and Loving..
and I need reasons to continue..

Being alive now seems so dull and lonely..
~ you are with someone but no one is with you..

Being hopeful for something seems of no purpose..
~ you give your life to get but gain nothing..

and being in love feels like drinking poison..
~ it takes away the thirst but kills you later on..


I just want to sleep with a smile on my face at night..
and not sigh right away when I wake up in the morning..