~Pain~

how can a person's heart change so suddenly? one minute its love and then its anger.. one minute its yearn and the other its despise.. i've given you everything a man can ask for.. trust, loyalty, love, friendship, company.. my heart is fully yours.. but why do you have to take it for granted? why do you have to hurt it? truly, if you really do love me.. you won't even try to hurt me.. even a little..

19th Story : The Beginning

To start doing something is never an easy task..
especially when you are most comfortable doing the complete opposite..

Last week is not a really good week..
A lot of things happened,
Things that I never wish to happen in a million years..
Things that broke my heart..
Things that makes me happy..
and things that give me a chance to create a whole new me..

I think, I used to be a very hardworking girl..
I think, I used to be a very smart girl..
I think, I used to have a plan for everything..
I think, I used to make decisions for my sake instead of others before..
I think, I used to do everything to make sure I am not hurt..
I think, I used to never let myself be swept off my feet by anything..
I think, I used to not put any hope or trust or hope on anybody but myself..

but now,

I am as lazy as a sloth.. or maybe lazier..
I am and feel like an idiot each day..
I have no plans for anything at all..
I make decisions to make others happy..
I do everything even if I am hurt by it..
I am easily swayed by people..
and my biggest mistake ever : I trust and have hopes on others..

So now, as I am beginning to restart my life,
I need to change myself as I believe,
I was much happier back in the days I used to be me..

First step : Make a plan for my daily life
~ having a schedule for study and play times is good enough..
I am a student after all..
~ I am going to make sure I follow the schedule the best I can..
what is the use of it if I don't follow it, right ?

Second step : Study like I am having the final exam tomorrow
~ I made a decision long ago to not be better than a certain someone, but now I think, I should be the best that I can..
~ Maybe then, I can get the long awaited 4.2 GPA my mother have been dreaming of for years..
~ the nerdy aisyah is back !!

Third step : Enjoy my time with my friends to the fullest
~ with my friends around, even the most painful moment of my life just occurred I'll be just fine..
~ my friends are real life savers sometimes.. they'll listen to me even when they don't want to.. but that's all I really need..

Fourth step : I am only to do things that will make me happy..
~ I love smiling and I hate crying.. but most of all, I hate smiling when I actually feel like crying, which I actually do a lot nowadays..
~ I am gonna think through everything before doing anything so I won't be hurt, ever !
That is all there is to the beginning of my new life.
I am girl that loves order.. I am a cancer after all..
So, my life beginning next week will be nothing but order..


p/s : I just read this book.. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes If you are a fan of mysteries, this is a book to read..

Memories ~

I was never good with my memory on meeting people..
I forget their faces and names easily even after meeting them more than once..
but there are some people that I remember them fully after only meeting them once..
and even before I totally know them,
I just know they'll be a big part of my life..

~ meeting one..

It was a school day like any other day..
I was in class the whole day, then, time for recess..
I went out of the class, and there were two boys coming down from the stairs..
suddenly, one of them said to me :
" awk ni wan aisyah atiqah wan zainalam ke? "
I have never talked to that boy before nor have I even seen him..
and for him to ask me using my full name was something very interesting..
I can still remember the way he was wearing his school uniform that day..
very nerdy but with his own twist..
till this day, I can picture everything that happen that day..
he become one of the best person in my life...
the one that usually regulates my mood for the day..

~ meeting two..

I used to have a crush on a guy at school..
my class is on one end and his class on the other..
but, I always took the long way around to go to the canteen so that I'll pass his class..
one day, when i was passing by his class,
there was a boy waiting in front of the class..
He said to me : " nak cari ****** lg ke ? "
even though he was wrong in the who department,
I remember every part of him that day..
starting from that day onwards, I started to notice him..
and now, he is one of my oldest best friends..
the one that always listens to my problems..

~ meeting three..

The first night in a boarding school is always a very sad night..
I have 2 others roommates and I don't even realize they were there.
That night, after arranging my stuffs,
I was going to lie down and get in touch with my emotions..
then, I heard something coming from across my room..
the sound of cries..
as a believer of all ghost stories, I was a tad scared then,
I realized that the cries came from one of the bed my roommate was on..
I went to her and tried to console her as I know she's homesick..
her cries only got worse, so, I went to the other bed next to her..
and asked her to help me consoling the other girl..
the girl turn to me and said sorry and that she is also crying..
and there I was, in between two beds, consoling both of them..
even today, I can remember the scenes of that day..
they are both my best ever friends and roommates..
Till these day, I still wish I am living i the same room as them..

~ meeting four..

This occured on the first day I was in dublin..
After eating with everyone, I wanted to go back to my room..
Someone was supposed to come and pick me up but no one came..
then, I met two girls walking around..
I asked one of them where were they off to,
and since they were going to the the same place as mine,
I agreed to follow them..
There was a girl who was so confident that she knows the way..
overly confident in my opinion..
but in the end, I was the one that found the way back..
Even after several days not meeting her,
I still remember her..
and she's now one of my closest friend..
We are even in the same house..

~ meeting five..

I was very sure I met him a few times before..
but I cannot recall his name or his face..
so, I take that meeting as our first..
oddly enough, it was on halloween night with me dressed as a witch..
and him, as a hairy man..
As weird as it is, that is the first memory I have of him..
I am not whether he knows I was there..
and now, he is one of my most important friend..
the friend that always make me laugh even during my saddest moments..


There are loads more memories of my first meetings with my best friends..
but these are the most special of the all..
I hope, even if I have some kind of dementia when I'm older,
I'll never forget the meetings I had with them..
because these are memories that are too precious for me to lose..

18th Story : The Failure

I hate myself if I fail at anything at all..
I will blame myself for every little details that contribute to that failure..
and I will never stop blaming myself for it..

I have a very good memory of the bad things that happen to me..
I rarely remember the happy stuffs but I never forget something bad..
So, every failure that happened to me for around the almost the past 15 years,
are mostly in my head..

I still remember how I failed to run away from kindergarten when I was 6..
Even now, I still can't believe how stupid I was back then..
The plan was perfect..
When the teacher is going out through the gate to buy snacks in front of the kindergarten,
I am going to go out and stop a taxi to go home..
the mistake I made was,
As I was walking out of the gate,
I said bye loudly and wave to my teacher..
Habits are scary..

There are loads more failures I made because of my habits..
and also because I don't have the necessary habits..

If I really compare myself to others,
my failures are not that much and not as important..
Others have failures that led them to their death..
Or make their lives a living hell..
Mine is never that big..
Most of my failures are trivial..
but because I can remember most of them,
I view myself as a failure..

17th Story : The Move

I think I am going to move to another house..
I don't know why,
but since I start living alone,
I feel more relaxed and less lonely than usual..
When there are people around me,
but no one really cares I am around or not..
or did not even realize I am there,
I feel more lonely than when I am actually alone..
No one will miss me much if I move anyway..
I am not that essential in the house..

I also have an issue about sharing things..
I have never ever care if anyone use my thing..
or about any expenses..
I'll share everything and pay everything without any care..
but once others start caring and calculating things,
I will start caring as well..
I will start caring about every little thing..
And I hate doing that because
that is very uncomfortable for me..

and then,
comes the money issue..
This is not really anyone's fault..
But still, I have no money and no one really cares even how many times I said it..
I need to find a place less expensive than I have now..
one which can at least make me able to pay my rent and bills,
and I will still have some to spare to go for my travels..
I don't mind not having any money to do anything
but I have to have money to travel..

So, I have to move..
now, the only problem is, where to move in to ??

16th Story : The Praise

To what extend can a person do to get a praise from someone ?
Because I honestly do not have any idea on what else to do to get a praise from the one person that I want to hear it from..

just one praise will do..

- you cooking is great..
- you are very kind..
- you look wonderful..
- you smell nice..
- you are so smart
- you make my day..

Just simple words..
I only wish to hear them once a month if once a week is that hard..

Instead, I have to put up with all this :

- I can cook better than this..
- you look fat, lose some weight..
- your face is full of acne, do something about it..
- you smell like my breath in the morning..
- are you sure you have a head ?
- why am I stuck with you all day ?

I tried my nest to be the best I can be..
but why is the one person I am waiting to praise me,
do nothing but humiliate me, over and over again.. ?

Am I really that bad ?
Am I really that unworthy of a simple praise ?

If I am not supposed to feel like crying after wards,
what am I supposed to feel ?

15th Story : The Habit

I have a very bad habit..
a habit of buying things I don't really need..

here's just a simple list of things I've bought so far with its price..
reasons I bought them
and why I think its a waste of money now..

a home sauna *45euro
~ I believe this is good for the skin and it can help me lose weight
~ I used it less than 10 times in a year bcoz I don't have time to set up the whole thing that took 30 minutes just to be used for 10 minutes..

a harp *240euro
~ I love musical instruments and I know I can find time to play it..
~ Its a good thing harps don't rust if not, mine is already rusted.. playing it was fun but tuning a harp with 39 strings of 5 octaves needs a lot of work !

dresses that do not fit me *250euro+-
~ I'll be slimmer by next month and I'll be able to wear them..
~ I do not wish to humiliate my self esteem any further.. T_T even after a year, they still won't fit

make up sets *100euro
~ I'm a girl, of course I need make up for my every day life..
~ the make up brush, the 70 colours eyeshadow set, the lipstick, the blusher, the concealer, the shimmer glow n the bronzer, has not even been opened..

a masquerade mask *20 euro
~ its sweet, cute, glamourous and I was in venice, where mask are everywhere..
~ when will I ever need to wear a mask ??


and those are just a tiny portion of things I've bought that I am now regretting..
mostly because I am now in a state where I am desperately in need of money
when will I ever stop with this habit of mine..
if I save that money I spent, maybe I can buy a house by now.. =(

14th Story : The Plan

Every girl has at least a plan on what to do in her life..

As for me, I have a plan on what to do with everything in my life..
I planned for things to do in my every days, the day 2 years from now and even the day when I have children which may or may not come..
I even planned for a vacation that is supposed to be spontaneous n unplanned !
and this plan of mine includes :

~what to do,
~how to do it,
~when to do it,
~and whose doing it..

I have to say, it is very tiring to plan everything..
but it is even more tiring to not have anything to plan..

Memories ~

Every person on earth must have celebrate Valentine's day once in their life..
I mean, all of those who know what Valentine's day is..
There's hundreds if not more stories have made and told about the love on Valentine's..
all are full of romance and love..
all are told with great passion and detail..

Of all those stories, here is mine..

On this day, 14th Feb 2010..
I went out with a special someone..
after preparing myself for around 2 hours, changing clothes a couple times,
I manage to look decent enough for the day..

The day started with a movie, Valentine's Day..
We weren't late but since people entered earlier than we do..
We ended up sitting at the 3rd row from the front..
I can still feel the pain now..
But, even though the movie is not a movie I'll ever see again..
It gave us a look into our own relationship..

Then, we went for dinner..
Since Dublin is not really the best place to have a dinner date,
we ended up eating at the place we usually have dinner..
It was nothing special.. but I love the atmosphere..
We didn't talk much but I enjoyed every minute..

The peak came after all that..

Near the restaurant, there was a giant Ferris wheel,
that we managed to overlook for the whole time we were in Dublin..
Curious as we are, we decided to have a look..
We didn't ride the Ferris wheel ( Its freezing cold ! )
but we just sat next to each other looking at the it going round and round..
I realized then that I was very happy..
Just by having someone sitting beside me..
The view was spectacular and all is exciting..
all because I have someone special beside me..

Then, he told me to close my eyes..
I was excited as I was not expecting anything..
then, when he told me to open my eyes, this is what I saw :



~ Isn't this the cutest thing ?

I don't know about anyone else but to me,
the most precious gifts are gifts one made themselves..
more precious than diamonds or other worldly possessions..
I am so happy that I can't stop smiling even now..
I wish in the years to come, we will still be as happy..

13th Story : The Reason

I ask myself :

Why do people keep living when they know its hard ?
Why do people keep living when they know its tiring ?
Why do people keep living when they know its lonely ?
Why do people keep living when they know they'll die ?

Why do people keep wanting when they know they have no hope ?
Why do people keep wanting when they know they'll never be satisfied ?
Why do people keep wanting when they know they don't need it ?
Why do people keep wanting when they know its nothing ?

Why do people keep loving when they know they'll get hurt ?
Why do people keep loving when they know it'll make them cry ?
Why do people keep loving when they know its an illusion ?
Why do people keep loving when they know its hard ?

If only there's one book, or a souce to tell the reasons..
Lifes of so many will be much better..
Because these days, I feel tired of Living, Wanting and Loving..
and I need reasons to continue..

Being alive now seems so dull and lonely..
~ you are with someone but no one is with you..

Being hopeful for something seems of no purpose..
~ you give your life to get but gain nothing..

and being in love feels like drinking poison..
~ it takes away the thirst but kills you later on..


I just want to sleep with a smile on my face at night..
and not sigh right away when I wake up in the morning..