12th Story : The Meal

I love to cook..
But I love it more seeing the finish meal..

I cook when I feel disturbed by something..
I cook when I am happy because of something..
I cook when I am about to cry because of something..
I cook when I feel the need to make something..

At home, I was not allowed to even wash my dishes, what more to cook..
because both my mum and my maid,
consider me as a nuisance in the kitchen..

But now, I can cook anything I want, anytime I want..
and each time I am cooking, everything just fade away around me..
at that time, its just me in the kitchen cooking..

and here starts the list of all the meals so far :








These are what I usually have for my dinner here..
Its simple to make but delicious to taste..
to my taste at least..

Just looking at them made me hungry + very very happy..
Can't wait to start cooking again tomorrow..

11th Story : The Words

Can you say the words ' I Love You' easily ?
How hard is it to actually say those words to someone ?

Every day..

When you look at me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you are talking to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you walk to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you are happy over something I've done,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you feel angry over something that happen to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you are smiling to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you make me laugh,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you stop me from crying,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

I have been trying to say these words for so long..
But why am I not saying anything ?
When should I say these words ?
What will happen after I say the words ?

Some of the times, I wonder..
with me wanting to tell you 'I Love You' so much and so many times..
Can you see how much I love you every time you look into my eyes ?
Or, can you heart listen to mine ?



If I am to say 'I Love You' to you now..
Will you just let me with my feeling and leave or..
Will you say 'I Love You' to me too ?

10th Story : The Study

I honestly hate studying for something that I am not interested in..
What more to study something that I hate..
But, right now that is what I am doing..
I kept thinking why am I even burdening myself with such things..
I can get a D at least even without studying at all..
So, why am I trying so hard to get greater grades ?

Even if I get an A for it,
I obviously will not be happy because I pushed myself so hard for it..
and I will not be proud of it as well..
I don't even like it in the first place..

At times like this, I regret taking medicine..
No matter how good I get at something or how bad I did,
I never really care because I don't like studying for it..
Its not like I hate medicine and want to take up something else..
but because most of the things I am learning now..
is of no importance to me in the future..

I don't see any point in studying and memorising
things that are too trivial or too detailed..
but will not be handy in the future..
Like memorising all the attachment of all the muscles in the body..
or the different histological images of cells..
If we are to go to doctors working in the hospital that isn't a lecturer..
None of them even knows any of this anymore..
But, as a student, we have to know for the sake of knowing for exams..
and I hate that so much..

But they can give me a case to study..
and I can and will spend hours and even days of my time to solve it..
because I know its realistic and will be useful to me..
and not something I need to know to be able to write in essays..

I want to be knowledgeable..
and know a lot about everything..
but, I hate doing it for the sake of exams..
I want learn them because they are new knowledge..
not something to learn that I'll forget once written on the exam papers..
and that is mostly what I am doing now..

I hate studying because of this..

My Personality ~

The me, who is a cancer.. ~the crab..

-Sangat seronok didamping
-Banyak berahsia dan sukar dimengerti terutamanya lelaki
-Agak pendiam kecuali diransang
-Ada harga dan maruah diri
-Tak suka menyusahkan orang lain tapi tidak marah apabila disusahkan
-Mudah dipujuk dan bercakap lurus
-Sangat menjaga hati orang lain
-Sangat peramah
-Emosi sangat mendalam tapi mudah terluka hatinya
-Berjiwa sentimental
-Jarang berdendam
-Mudah memaafkan tapi sukar melupakan
-Tidak suka benda remeh-temeh
-Membimbing cara fizikal dan mental
-Sangat peka, caring dan mengasihi serta penyayang
-Layanan yang serupa dengan semua orang
-Tinggi daya simpati
-Pemerhatian yang tajam
-Suka menilai orang lain dengan pemerhatian
-Mudah dan rajin belajar
-Suka muhasabah diri
-Suka mengenangkan peristiwa atau kawan lama
-Suka mendiamkan diri
-Suka duduk di rumah
-Suka tunggu kawan tapi tak cari kawan
-Tak agresif kecuali terpaksa
-Lemah dari segi kesihatan perut
-Mudah gemuk kawal tak kawal diet
-Minta disayangi
-Mudah terluka hati tapi lambat pulih
-Terlalu mengambil berat
-Rajin dalam membuat kerja

this is mostly me..
I don't like some of them..
Some people don't like some of them as well..
but this is me..

9th Story : The Song

I always listen to different songs everyday..
Each songs depeds on my mood..
and I usually listens to the same song everytime..

When I am happy,
I like to listen to cheerful songs..
Song that will remind me of my happiness..

When I am sad,
I like to listen to painful song..
Songs that will remind me of my sadness..

When I am excited,
I like to listen to jumpy songs..
Song that will remind me of my excitement..

But when I am feeling down or feel like quitting,
I like to listen to inspiring songs..
Songs that will make me forget..

Or when I am hurt,
I like to listen to love songs..
Songs that will make feel loved again..

But, there is one particular song that I always listen to..
No matter what mood I am in..
Because it sooths my mind..
Because my parents said its their song..
and I want it to be my song as well..

Memories ~

I always choose my friends over anything..
To me, friends are most important..
I’ll even jump off a building for a friend -hypothetically speaking..
But, all that was years ago..
Before my friends betrayed my friendship..

I used to be good friends with a girl at school..
We practically do everything with each other..
Eat together, Go to class together, and Go out together..
And we can talk about almost anything with each other..

One day, she got a boyfriend..
I was more then thrilled for her..
We spent hours just talking about her dates and such..
Since I own a phone at that time,
Her boyfriend started calling me to talk to her..

One night, her boyfriend called me and wishes to talk to me..
Because they had a fight..
I talked to him trying to mend their relationship again..
It was brief enough and they made up the next day..
But starting that day..
He always called me twice a day..
Once to talk to my friend..
And the other to talk to me..

Being naïve as I was at that time..
I thought he was just being friendly towards his girlfriend’s friend..
But within a month, my friend started crying every night..
Saying that her boyfriend has changed..
That her boyfriend is no longer in love with her..

Being a good friend that I was,
I talked to her boyfriend and try to help them with their relationship..
But then, the next day, I got slapped by my own best friend..
Just because her boyfriend fell in love with me..
Accusing me of stealing her boyfriend from her..
Flirting with her boyfriend without her knowing..
Even though I know nothing of the situation at that time..


I was very deeply hurt..
And honestly, even now, I am still hurt..
I lost a very good friend of mine..
Just because of a worthless guy..
That I have never seen, just talked to on the phone..
And I am even more hurt..
Because a friend I’ve known for so long..
Would think so lowly of me..
And broke our friendship just because of a guy that came into our life..

To me, friendship is priceless..
There is no price to it..
No price to have it..
And no price to give up on it..

But, my best friend ended our friendship it so easily..
Because of such trivial matter..
So, I guess, my friendship with her has a price to it after all..
And it has such a small amount to it..

8th Story : The Envy

Someone once said to me :
" Be grateful with whatever you have no matter how little..
some others may won't have any no matter how hard they try.. "

But I think I may never be truly grateful with what I have..
Envy being one of the 7 deadly sins that's making me less grateful each day..
I am full of envy..
and I am envious of too many things to count..

I envy those with lots of friends..

I have friends but not many will I call real friends..
I don't have friends that will go to great lengths for me..
Most of my friends won't even care if I am in bed sick for a week..
Some of them won't even notice I am missing..
and some of my friends..
will not even think twice to end their friendship with me..
Maybe it is my fault for I am never a great friend myself..
but, I still envy those with friends that will do anything for them..
Those with friends that care and cherish their friendship..

I envy those who has the ability to study hard constantly..

I have never studied hard for anything in my life..
Be it for the finals, or a very important exams that can determine my future..
I will only read and learn what I want to know and leave everything not of my interest..
and even when I do study, it was never constant..
I will only study when I want and what I want..
That's why I envy those who can study all the time..
Those that doesn't feel like their life is wasted by studying..
and those who enjoy their gain of knowledge..

I envy those who believe in themselves..

I have forgotten the last time I did something..
and I actually believe that is the best that I can do..
Even after doing all that I can do..
Whatever I did, I always feel that there is something missing..
and whatever I did, I never felt I was good enough..
That's why I envy those who believe their abilities..
Those that feels satisfied when they tried their best..

I envy those who simple-minded..

I care about everything that one can think of..
I have trouble sleeping at night because I have too much to think..
I hate listening to music much because it interrupts my thoughts on things..
I just can help to to think and make my head keeps working..
and It makes me so very tired..
That's why I envy those who are simple-minded..
Those who care for only things that's matters to them..
and those who can sleep soundly at night..


I think I need someone to just hit my head a few times..
and make me stop being envious..
This is obviously making me less and less happy everyday..

as Frank Tyger said :
" You can't be envious and happy at the same time.. "
because, envy is the art of seeing other people's blessings instead of your own..

If I can see how am I blessed, I can never be happy..
and to be happy, I have to get rid of my envy..

7th Story : The Torment

There are times when I feel that nothing is right in my life..

feeling sleepy after sleeping..
being hungry after eating..
feeling tired after resting..
feeling bored after doing something fun..
or..
still hoping when the hope is gone..
still waiting when there is nothing to wait for..
still dreaming when I know its impossible..

Sometimes, I feel that I need to do something about everything..
but I don't know where to start..
Sometimes after doing everything I can,
no outcomes is worth all the efforts I have put in..

Living a life filled with such dissatisfaction is a torment..
A life filled with misery..

I have wished for a lot of things in my life..
but one wish that I never stop wishing for is..
for my mind to be at peace..
but that wish will never come true..
not until I stop tormenting myself..