12th Story : The Meal

I love to cook..
But I love it more seeing the finish meal..

I cook when I feel disturbed by something..
I cook when I am happy because of something..
I cook when I am about to cry because of something..
I cook when I feel the need to make something..

At home, I was not allowed to even wash my dishes, what more to cook..
because both my mum and my maid,
consider me as a nuisance in the kitchen..

But now, I can cook anything I want, anytime I want..
and each time I am cooking, everything just fade away around me..
at that time, its just me in the kitchen cooking..

and here starts the list of all the meals so far :








These are what I usually have for my dinner here..
Its simple to make but delicious to taste..
to my taste at least..

Just looking at them made me hungry + very very happy..
Can't wait to start cooking again tomorrow..

11th Story : The Words

Can you say the words ' I Love You' easily ?
How hard is it to actually say those words to someone ?

Every day..

When you look at me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you are talking to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you walk to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you are happy over something I've done,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you feel angry over something that happen to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you are smiling to me,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you make me laugh,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

When you stop me from crying,
~I want to say 'I Love You'..

I have been trying to say these words for so long..
But why am I not saying anything ?
When should I say these words ?
What will happen after I say the words ?

Some of the times, I wonder..
with me wanting to tell you 'I Love You' so much and so many times..
Can you see how much I love you every time you look into my eyes ?
Or, can you heart listen to mine ?



If I am to say 'I Love You' to you now..
Will you just let me with my feeling and leave or..
Will you say 'I Love You' to me too ?

10th Story : The Study

I honestly hate studying for something that I am not interested in..
What more to study something that I hate..
But, right now that is what I am doing..
I kept thinking why am I even burdening myself with such things..
I can get a D at least even without studying at all..
So, why am I trying so hard to get greater grades ?

Even if I get an A for it,
I obviously will not be happy because I pushed myself so hard for it..
and I will not be proud of it as well..
I don't even like it in the first place..

At times like this, I regret taking medicine..
No matter how good I get at something or how bad I did,
I never really care because I don't like studying for it..
Its not like I hate medicine and want to take up something else..
but because most of the things I am learning now..
is of no importance to me in the future..

I don't see any point in studying and memorising
things that are too trivial or too detailed..
but will not be handy in the future..
Like memorising all the attachment of all the muscles in the body..
or the different histological images of cells..
If we are to go to doctors working in the hospital that isn't a lecturer..
None of them even knows any of this anymore..
But, as a student, we have to know for the sake of knowing for exams..
and I hate that so much..

But they can give me a case to study..
and I can and will spend hours and even days of my time to solve it..
because I know its realistic and will be useful to me..
and not something I need to know to be able to write in essays..

I want to be knowledgeable..
and know a lot about everything..
but, I hate doing it for the sake of exams..
I want learn them because they are new knowledge..
not something to learn that I'll forget once written on the exam papers..
and that is mostly what I am doing now..

I hate studying because of this..

My Personality ~

The me, who is a cancer.. ~the crab..

-Sangat seronok didamping
-Banyak berahsia dan sukar dimengerti terutamanya lelaki
-Agak pendiam kecuali diransang
-Ada harga dan maruah diri
-Tak suka menyusahkan orang lain tapi tidak marah apabila disusahkan
-Mudah dipujuk dan bercakap lurus
-Sangat menjaga hati orang lain
-Sangat peramah
-Emosi sangat mendalam tapi mudah terluka hatinya
-Berjiwa sentimental
-Jarang berdendam
-Mudah memaafkan tapi sukar melupakan
-Tidak suka benda remeh-temeh
-Membimbing cara fizikal dan mental
-Sangat peka, caring dan mengasihi serta penyayang
-Layanan yang serupa dengan semua orang
-Tinggi daya simpati
-Pemerhatian yang tajam
-Suka menilai orang lain dengan pemerhatian
-Mudah dan rajin belajar
-Suka muhasabah diri
-Suka mengenangkan peristiwa atau kawan lama
-Suka mendiamkan diri
-Suka duduk di rumah
-Suka tunggu kawan tapi tak cari kawan
-Tak agresif kecuali terpaksa
-Lemah dari segi kesihatan perut
-Mudah gemuk kawal tak kawal diet
-Minta disayangi
-Mudah terluka hati tapi lambat pulih
-Terlalu mengambil berat
-Rajin dalam membuat kerja

this is mostly me..
I don't like some of them..
Some people don't like some of them as well..
but this is me..

9th Story : The Song

I always listen to different songs everyday..
Each songs depeds on my mood..
and I usually listens to the same song everytime..

When I am happy,
I like to listen to cheerful songs..
Song that will remind me of my happiness..

When I am sad,
I like to listen to painful song..
Songs that will remind me of my sadness..

When I am excited,
I like to listen to jumpy songs..
Song that will remind me of my excitement..

But when I am feeling down or feel like quitting,
I like to listen to inspiring songs..
Songs that will make me forget..

Or when I am hurt,
I like to listen to love songs..
Songs that will make feel loved again..

But, there is one particular song that I always listen to..
No matter what mood I am in..
Because it sooths my mind..
Because my parents said its their song..
and I want it to be my song as well..

Memories ~

I always choose my friends over anything..
To me, friends are most important..
I’ll even jump off a building for a friend -hypothetically speaking..
But, all that was years ago..
Before my friends betrayed my friendship..

I used to be good friends with a girl at school..
We practically do everything with each other..
Eat together, Go to class together, and Go out together..
And we can talk about almost anything with each other..

One day, she got a boyfriend..
I was more then thrilled for her..
We spent hours just talking about her dates and such..
Since I own a phone at that time,
Her boyfriend started calling me to talk to her..

One night, her boyfriend called me and wishes to talk to me..
Because they had a fight..
I talked to him trying to mend their relationship again..
It was brief enough and they made up the next day..
But starting that day..
He always called me twice a day..
Once to talk to my friend..
And the other to talk to me..

Being naïve as I was at that time..
I thought he was just being friendly towards his girlfriend’s friend..
But within a month, my friend started crying every night..
Saying that her boyfriend has changed..
That her boyfriend is no longer in love with her..

Being a good friend that I was,
I talked to her boyfriend and try to help them with their relationship..
But then, the next day, I got slapped by my own best friend..
Just because her boyfriend fell in love with me..
Accusing me of stealing her boyfriend from her..
Flirting with her boyfriend without her knowing..
Even though I know nothing of the situation at that time..


I was very deeply hurt..
And honestly, even now, I am still hurt..
I lost a very good friend of mine..
Just because of a worthless guy..
That I have never seen, just talked to on the phone..
And I am even more hurt..
Because a friend I’ve known for so long..
Would think so lowly of me..
And broke our friendship just because of a guy that came into our life..

To me, friendship is priceless..
There is no price to it..
No price to have it..
And no price to give up on it..

But, my best friend ended our friendship it so easily..
Because of such trivial matter..
So, I guess, my friendship with her has a price to it after all..
And it has such a small amount to it..

8th Story : The Envy

Someone once said to me :
" Be grateful with whatever you have no matter how little..
some others may won't have any no matter how hard they try.. "

But I think I may never be truly grateful with what I have..
Envy being one of the 7 deadly sins that's making me less grateful each day..
I am full of envy..
and I am envious of too many things to count..

I envy those with lots of friends..

I have friends but not many will I call real friends..
I don't have friends that will go to great lengths for me..
Most of my friends won't even care if I am in bed sick for a week..
Some of them won't even notice I am missing..
and some of my friends..
will not even think twice to end their friendship with me..
Maybe it is my fault for I am never a great friend myself..
but, I still envy those with friends that will do anything for them..
Those with friends that care and cherish their friendship..

I envy those who has the ability to study hard constantly..

I have never studied hard for anything in my life..
Be it for the finals, or a very important exams that can determine my future..
I will only read and learn what I want to know and leave everything not of my interest..
and even when I do study, it was never constant..
I will only study when I want and what I want..
That's why I envy those who can study all the time..
Those that doesn't feel like their life is wasted by studying..
and those who enjoy their gain of knowledge..

I envy those who believe in themselves..

I have forgotten the last time I did something..
and I actually believe that is the best that I can do..
Even after doing all that I can do..
Whatever I did, I always feel that there is something missing..
and whatever I did, I never felt I was good enough..
That's why I envy those who believe their abilities..
Those that feels satisfied when they tried their best..

I envy those who simple-minded..

I care about everything that one can think of..
I have trouble sleeping at night because I have too much to think..
I hate listening to music much because it interrupts my thoughts on things..
I just can help to to think and make my head keeps working..
and It makes me so very tired..
That's why I envy those who are simple-minded..
Those who care for only things that's matters to them..
and those who can sleep soundly at night..


I think I need someone to just hit my head a few times..
and make me stop being envious..
This is obviously making me less and less happy everyday..

as Frank Tyger said :
" You can't be envious and happy at the same time.. "
because, envy is the art of seeing other people's blessings instead of your own..

If I can see how am I blessed, I can never be happy..
and to be happy, I have to get rid of my envy..

7th Story : The Torment

There are times when I feel that nothing is right in my life..

feeling sleepy after sleeping..
being hungry after eating..
feeling tired after resting..
feeling bored after doing something fun..
or..
still hoping when the hope is gone..
still waiting when there is nothing to wait for..
still dreaming when I know its impossible..

Sometimes, I feel that I need to do something about everything..
but I don't know where to start..
Sometimes after doing everything I can,
no outcomes is worth all the efforts I have put in..

Living a life filled with such dissatisfaction is a torment..
A life filled with misery..

I have wished for a lot of things in my life..
but one wish that I never stop wishing for is..
for my mind to be at peace..
but that wish will never come true..
not until I stop tormenting myself..

6th Story : The Trust

A friend said to me : " I'll tell u when I really trust you and I don't trust people that easily. "

What he said has kept me thinking very hard since then..
Why didn't he trust me ?
Did I do something that I cannot have his trust ?

But then, I began to pounder..
Have anyone ever trusted me and have I ever trusted anybody before ?
Are there anyone who trust people easily ?
Because I can't remember the last time I trusted anybody and was trusted by somebody..
It must be a very hard and a burdening thing to be done..


To me, to trust somebody is..
to entrust them with your deepest secret..
to have faith that they will never hurt you..
to know that they will always be there for you..
to share your worst memories..
to have faith that a friend will never lead you astray..
to know that you can entrust them with your own life..

But, my whole life, I never have someone that I think I trust..

I have never..
tell my deepest secret to anyone..
think that people in my life will never hurt me..
dream that anyone will always be there for me..
share my worst memories with anyone..
think that I will not be astrayed..
known anyone that I can give my life to..

Even how close I am to anyone..
be it my family, my best friend, my closest teachers..
I have never truly and honestly trusted them..
I kept everything to myself..

I just realized that all this time..
I have always have a guard on..
~Never to be too close to someone..
~Never to be too personal to someone..
~Never to be too caring to someone..
~Never to be too loving to someone..
~Never to be much of anything to someone..
And ~Never to trust anyone..

To me, to never trust someone means,
To never be hurt so much by someone,
That I may even consider dying as an option to forget the pain..


Frank Crane once said :
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much,
but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough..

But, is it possible for someone to trust the me that have never trusted anybody ?
What should I do to have this trust in my heart ?
To trust someone and to earn someones' trust..

Can trust be developed with time ?
I don't think so..
Coz sometimes, we can trust a stranger, whom we knew for less than a day,
more than our own family, whom we knew our whole life..

Can trust be developed with virtue ?
I don't think so..
Coz sometimes, even how nice we are to a person, we cannot gain their trust..

Can trust be developed with a relationship ?
I dont think so..
Coz even two persons with blood ties, an unbroken bond may never trust each other,
what more of two persons with a fragile relation as friendship..

Can trust be developed with love ?
I don't think so..
Coz even when people say love is the strongest thing on earth,
It cannot make trust each other even when they are in love..

Then, how do we come to trust others and be trusted ?
I really want to know what it feels to be trusted and to trust someone..


Here is a story about trust that I think have a very deep meaning to it :

A girl and her father were crossing a bridge.
Then the father said,
'Dear, do hold my hand so you won't fall into the river.'
The girl replied,
'No, Dad. You hold my hand.'
'What's the difference?', asked the puzzled father.

'There's a big difference,' replied the little girl.
'If I hold your hand and I am to fall,
I may let go of your hand.
But if you hold my hand, I am sure that no matter what happens,
you will never let my hand go.'

Ranjith Kumar

5th Story : The Past

What will you do when your past feelings start haunting you ?
What will you do when someone you used to loved appears in your life again ?
What will you do if you suddenly realize you never stop loving that person in the first place ?
What will you do when our heart just cannot stop thinking of the past ?

Someone..
I never hope to meet..
I never hope to see..
I never hope to talk to..
I never hope to know..
and I never hope to remember..

Appears in my life again..

What should I do to get rid of all this unnecessary feelings..
What should I do to make me stop remembering.

Purest of Pain (A Puro Dolor) - Son By 4

the only song that fits what I am feeling now..

4th Story : The Smile

Do you know what makes your heart smiles ?

As for me..
Sometimes, something so simple can make my heart smiles happily..
But my heart never smile that easily..

I can be smiling ever so broadly and seems overwhelmingly happy when..

I'm in a party, chatting with people..
I'm with my family watching TV..
I'm gossiping with my friends..
I'm eating a heart full of my favourite dishes..
I'm on a shopping spree with my BFF..

Or the times when..

My friends give me presents..
My date went well..
My parents praise me for being good..
My efforts are worth while..
and when my results are good..

But my heart is not smiling..
Sometimes, I think my heart is even crying because of my pretense..
I always want my heart smile..
but I can't seem to make my heart smile even at my happiest moments..
It is hard for my heart to smile

But it is really not that hard because..
My heart can smile when..

I see the sky early in the morning and at dawn..
I hear the sound of night..
I smell the fresh scent of grass after the rain..
I see my parents' faces when they are happy..
I quarrel and make up with my siblings..
I am cooking..
I see my friends eating their heart out happily..
and when, I can just stand in the rain and let all my worries be washed away..

and, most of all,
My heart smiles its best when I manage to make the ones I love happy..
and just by seeing others being happy because of me..


Here is a simple story about the simplest thing that makes my heart smiles..

Once, I was very frustrated over something I heard..
I tried everything I can to rid of the feelings..
But nothing seems to work..
Then, suddenly..
A person came to me with no idea of what is going on with me
and just said 'hye' with the most wonderful smile on his face..
At that moment, my worries and frustration were gone..
and my heart started smiling again..

All because of a simple SMILE..

3rd Story : The Wait

Being with someone is never easy..
After being close to a person for more than 5 years,
Certain expectations will emerge..

I will expect him to know..
- what kind of flowers do I like..
- what kind of cloths do I wear..
- what am I fond of..
- what am I afraid of..
- what makes me happy..
- what makes me sad..
- what makes me cry..

I will expect that person to show..
- that I am needed in his life..
- that I am a part of his life..
- that I am important..
- that I mean something..
- that he cares about me..

I want to know how does it feel to be needed by someone..
I want to feel what its like to be a part of someones life..
I want to know I am important for someone..
I want to feel that I bring a meaning to someone..
I want to know that someone cares for me..
I want someone to notice and miss me when I am gone..

Too much tears have been flowing just because of my expectations..
My heart has been torn apart too many times to count..
I feel so insignificant, worthless and trivial..
and worst of all, I feel so alone even when I have him by my side..

Even after 5 years,
he still doesn't know what I feel..
what I want in life..
what I need from him..
and he still can't show what he feels towards me..
what he wants from me..
what he needs from me..

Should I wait for him for another 5 years ?
Because honestly, I don't think my heart is that strong anymore..

2nd Story : The Choice

In my life, there are always choices to be made whether I want it or not..
and most of the time, the decisions made change my life forever..

Which is the best choice ?

To pursue a dream that will make your life better in the future but be unhappy or a dream that will make you happy but with all the troubles in the world ?

My choice :
a dream that will make my life better in the future.. I'm unhappy with the road I'm taking but I'm living my life and hoping that, that better future will come true..

To go after the guy that you love but give you nothing in return or go after the guy that loves you and will give you all the happiness ?

My choice :
the guy that loves me with all his heart.. even though deep down, I know that in my heart, there's someone else now, in the future, with all the love he gave me, I hope I'll come to love him as much as he loves me..

To please all those around me or make myself happy ?

My choice :
Making all those around me happy even how much it will hurt me.. I believe, one day, there will be a day that I'll be happy when I make others happy.. I'm still waiting..

I made different choices everyday on different issues..
I even made choices for others that I know is best for them..
But the choices I made for myself, I never felt like they are ever best for me..

Because I always ask myself,

Why can't I just let loose and do what ever I feel like doing ?
Why can't I just ignore what will people say about me ?
Why can't I just wear what I want to wear and not think of all the staring ?
Why can't I just say what I want without thinking of how people will feel about it ?
Why can't I just stop lying to myself about what I am ?
Why can't I just be myself ?

I will never be happy until I stop asking myself all this..
Because each time any of these question pops inside my head,
Tears starts pouring even without me noticing..

How long can I live a life with such regret in my heart for making these choices ?

1st Story : The Heartbreak

There is a guy.. and I truly love him…
But he cant even see me even when I'm right in front of him…
I gave him all the love I have but He gave me all the hatred that he got..
I love him wit my all but he has no space for me in his heart, not anymore…

When I'm walking around, I want to see nobody… especially him…
It hurts so much when I see him but is ignored totally..
It hurts so much when I saw him smiling but not to me…
It hurts so much when I see him laughing but not bcoz of me…
I didn't have any of his smiles n laughter anymore..
I yearn to see him smile at me just one last time..

I can still remember each moment we are together…
When I can feel that he loves me…
When I know that he wants me.. needs me in his life…

I have the same prayer every night.. The next time I wake up from my sleep,
please let me forget that I’ve ever known him…
please let me forget every memories we had…
please let me forget every word he said…
please let me forget every movement he made…

My life would be much much easier if that prayer comes true..
Coz even without things that will make me remember him, he is still everywhere..

One day, I did forget him… I enjoyed myself but I felt something missing in me…
Then, I found the missing piece before I went to sleep : Him…

Even I pray each day that I’ll forget him, I know somewhere in my heart I can’t do so…
I’ve made him a promise that whatever happens, I’ll never regret knowing him…
That’s the only promise that I’ll never break for knowing him is the best thing that has ever happen to me…

He has forgotten our memories…
Soon, he’ll forget that he even known me..
But I'm going to keep remembering him.. and be haunted by memories with him forever…
I’ll remember all the good things and get rid of the bad things…

That’s what my heart said to me…
I won’t be happy by forgetting everything…
But I’ll be happy by picking what I want to remember…